You are my Lifeline

faedesign You are my lifeline, and all your love and support lift me from my shitty situations.lifeline1 I am hitting the big 30 this year,my spirit remains a child,but my experience is beyond my years. I wasn’t dealt the best hand of cards in this life, but still playing to the best of my ability. I grew up poor, but it made me happy, I grew up abused, but it made me strong. I didn’t know what tomorrow ever held but it made me fearless. The scars remain, and un-stability and stress still haunt me. The streets were my best teachers, and many role models along the way gave me knowledge to take to the grave.  I have learned many lessons I will never forget, and still growing. I was born with beauty but it took 27 years to find it. I was born with brains,and a heart and personality bigger than some can handle. This complicated my life because I fought injustice since an early age,and never trusted the system, and still don’t put up with bullshit! I speak my mind,and fight for whats right. Being beautiful is a curse some do not understand,for being misunderstood for so long makes it really hard to put down my gloves. I forgive too easy, and hurt too much. I give more than I take but that’s all I know how to be. I was always stoked for holidays so I had an excuse to give fabulous creative gifts to strangers. I haven’t changed bit. Being poor in an artistic family made me super resourceful. But That is how I was raised. Dad was an artist and deadhead(still homeless) who only bartered,and showed love for strangers. My single mother, a costume seamstress and rocker who never stopped the party. She made me mad, as well as made me give an apple to all my teachers and taught me to love school. How I managed a t 3.8 GPA, art scholarships, between being a part time gutter punk, is beyond me. Drinking unlimited 40s of Old E Ice,King Cobras,(Until steel reserve came out, changed shit) and sharing space bags of boxed wine with the dirtiest punks, before using them as pillows, eating pizza, 39 cent cheeseburgers, and trying all the drugs floating around. I found my way around San Diego going to shows walking everywhere, by bus and skateboard, or wealthier kids parents. My aunt filled in as a mother and took me to the beach, and taught me how wear makeup,perfume,and be a girl. She also got me and my friends stoned on holidays. My family gave me as much love as they did pain, but the values they installed in me are priceless. John Waters was religion in our household…bedroom, trailer,hotel,beach pads,wherever it was we lived. We had it so bad but we were always laughing. Some of my adopted families were priceless but I will get to that someday. People like to label me as too kind,or trying to hard, but making people happy is all care about, as I believe we are all one. Haters don’t try. I have always seen myself as an equal to all humans,and creatures alike. No better, no worse. I don’t judge, but do despise others who make others feel less. I hate the word Intellectual, as much as I hate bullies. Always on a quest to be different we lose sight of what is really important, Togetherness. Success is great as long as it is not just to prove yourself better than others,or for somebody else. “I told you so”, should only be uttered for the stupidest of acts. If somebody else is driving you to your goals, switch gears and do it for yourself. Competition is as detrimental as it is inspiring. Life is not fair but we have the choice on how to deal with any situation. I grew up with two brothers I tried to help raise, in between punk shows, school, alcohol addiction, and finding myself. I spent my money on books, art supplies,crafts, cheap beer, 711, and LSD. I was a street kid, mother figure, avid thrift shopper, artist, good student, party girl, and loner. I always walked alone because clicks sicken me as much as social climbers. I strive to be loved but never to fit in. It is better to be hated for who you are than loved for what your not. I am living proof that wearing your heart on your sleeve is OK, and you can survive more than you think possible. Never stop dreaming, or learning, and as always,be just and Fear Not. Love who you are because you are stuck in that body, and life is much easier when you except that.paint You are my lifeline,because your love and support keep me going. Social media allowed me to find more love from strangers, then I get from my own circle. I do have heaps of love I am just relating. I have better friends then I have ever had and not ashamed to say I can now fill a void of deep loneliness. I owe all my success to you for giving me faith once more in the human race. I am a mere mortal, and battle with suicidal thoughts,chemical Imbalance, bullies, weight gain, hard work, fatigue, fear, depression, and more hate than you can Imagine. If I had a dollar for every time people sabotaged my birthday,ditched me, or told people not to like me, Id have actually have savings account. People judge me, put me down, laugh behind my back, and make my life harder than It is. I work in a place where I am underpaid,over worked, and put down. I still cant make ends meet. I live in a house where me and my love feel like losers. Some days I let them win,some days I fight, and sometimes miracles happen. Life is a constant battle and I refuse to fall.What I do have is a love, a king by my side, and one true love is enough to battle anything. Arms warmer than sand,and stronger than cement is where I find my piece of heaven. We must focus on all the good we have and never the bad, and always remember people that hurt you are hurting much worse. The seaweed is always greener in somebody else’s lake. Life is beautiful, a gift,not a promise. Thank you again to all those who make up the magical rope that keeps me afloat. I love you all.

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